More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
