At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
