my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
