Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
