Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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