turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
