Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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