You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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