if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
