he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
