so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
