If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
