I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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