Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This is classic penis vs brain.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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