Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
