Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
