The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
