I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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