so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
