Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I deserve this hangover.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
