Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
