1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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