I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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