my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
