You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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