I am puke
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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