awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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