Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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