toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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