I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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