If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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