i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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