yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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