I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
