Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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