id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
