Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
