I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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