Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
