Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
