I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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