I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my sisters under your porch take her home
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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