I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
