What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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