i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
