who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
