my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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