he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
