My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
