Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
