Screwed.edu
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
