yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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