How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
