I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
