If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
