I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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