that's an acceptable place to lick
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We got so high we made milksteak
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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