The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
