i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
