Just fell off a train. Bad.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
