I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
